Food Goes in Mouth.

For a variety of reasons, figuring out what to eat these days has become increasingly retarded. With something so important to daily life, you would think there would be better information available. There is, but it involves reading books, which we all know is only for nerds and people who still have Myspace pages.

Here's the nuts and bolts: Eat like a caveman.

Here's a few more sentences that help prove the point I have likely plagiarized from authors who have cooler blogs and/or books.

First, let's talk about the benefits of being a caveman. You'll walk tall and erect, use cool tools like stones and sticks, and your brain is smaller which means that your head is smaller, too. This means you'll be able to wear all sorts of fun hats including bowlers and fez'z'z.

You'll never see a fat caveman in any National Geographic pictures. You might instead find yourself staring at the topless African women, but that's natural. I mean, what are they doing, just standing there, topless? But I digest. The reason there are no fat cavemen is because there were no Olive Gardens. *Hey pal, I like Olive Garden.* I'll be using Olive Garden as what I like to call a "metaphor"; it's my understanding that whatever I say now cannot be disputed because we are "inside the metaphor".

If you've ever people-watched at Olive Garden, you'll see a lot of braided belts stretched to capacity and jolly white people sauntering in thinking about breadsticks. Mmmm, breadsticks. The entire business plan is built around making you fat. "Here you go, power up with a few hundred carbs before we serve you a portion of pasta that would feed a small family in Haiti." Ideally you'll be there for dinner, so everything you inhale will be nice and settled right as you climb into bed to watch the local news in a Slanket (should have ponied up and got the Snuggie, cheapo). As I'm sure they say in some kind of business, "that's the business plan, fatso." The rumor that I have never taken a business class has not yet been proven.

Olive Garden is the antithesis (thank you, word-of-the-day calendar) of what a caveman would eat. Refined sugars and grains cooked in gallons of oil and served up to you with words like "endless" and "bottomless". Those words should be reserved for black holes and something else that's creative-sounding and deep.

Cavemen eat hardcore ish like woolly mammoths and sabretooth tigers. Maybe a few berries or a potato or something if they're feeling metro. Then they'd make a kickass necklace out of a tiger canine and go mack on chicks at Shark Bar. Not many people know that "Affliction" means "tiger tooth" in Latin.

Eating like a caveman is really about getting back to the basics. Lean meat. Whole grains. Fruits and vegetables. Cavemen would totally be into CSA's and farmer's markets. Not only are they packed full of real, locally-grown foods, they're a great, non-threatening place to hit on cavewomen. "Oh I just love this trail mix made of sticks and wheatgrass. It's my go-to snack before I bike-ride to the cavechildren's shelter where I volunteer." As you can see, pick-up lines haven't really evolved much in 10,000 years.

So go grab a big stick and threaten an elephant. But don't touch or provoke the elephant because they will remember you. They remember everything. Then go grab some real food and start maximizing your cave-like physique.