How to Make Friends, Influence People, and Retire by the Age of 45.

If you guessed that this was going to be a post about Super Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo, you were right. You also happen to be borderline bazonkers (like me) and probably make for a fun guest at dinner parties.

First things first, we are talking about the Super Nintendo version, not the Nintendo 64 version that corrupted something so pure with magical shells that could somehow hit the person in first place and would allow you to catch up regardless of how poor you had raced up to that point. Super Nintendo is a great system for many reasons, but I think the most important one is that it seems to be the last system that girls can be somewhat competitive with the guys in certain games. Sorry gals, just callin' it how I see it.

This was the first game I remember that utilized several of the beloved characters from the Nintendo franchise into a fun, challenging multi-player game. So now, let's meet the characters, in the stylings of Elimidate:

-Mario! "'Sup bitches! I'm your standard "jack of all trades, master of none" which means that I'm not really a good selection to choose for this game, but I'll clean out those rusty pipes if you know what I mean! Wink, wink."

-Luigi! "Wut up wit it. I'm awkwardly tall and skinny with the same skill set as my brother, but may appeal to people who were the less-favored child in a big family or were too tall too early in middle school."

-Princess! "Heeyy-eeeyy! Represent ladies, amirite?! I have really fast acceleration but have a low top speed. I'm a great choice for a beginning racer, but that don't mean I don't have sass! *Snaps right, left, and right again*"

-Yoshi! "Ahhh-Ahhhhhh! That's a roar, mofos! I'm like the princess when it comes to racing, but I've got a better top speed in bed, oh snap!"

-Bowser! "*Bowser puts you in a headlock and gives you a noogie* Ha ha! You like that! I just messed up your hair! Naw I'm just playin', go clean yourself up you crazy bastard. So it goes like this, I start off pretty slow but once I get movin' it's like tryin' to stop a Coors Light Train that just busted through your house. Not easy. Mmmmm, Coors Light."

-Donkey Kong! "That Bowser is a total poser, tryin' to claim similar driving skills but living in his grandmama's basement. Get a job, you hobo! In the meantime, I'll donkey-punch your sister and take first place."

-Koopa Troopa! "Hi there. I'm also a turtle but like 1/4 the size of Bowser and don't have any spikes. I'm not mad about my inferior genetics, cause I have a sparkling personality. I also start pretty quick, have moderate top speed and have the best handling. So put that in your fireball and smoke it."

-Toad! "OMG what time is it right now? AM or PM? Oh hey, didn't see you there. I was bah-litzed last night. It's hard when your head is made of a giant mushroom. Avatar was siiick in 3-D though. I'm kinda like Koopa Troopa but not such a nerd."

So let's talk about the major aspects of this game you need to master:

-Character selection: you need to pick a character set that matches your racing style. Yoshi/Princess are great for beginners because you're going to hit walls, slow down, and need quick acceleration. Mario/Luigi are a decent hybrid but they have the second worst acceleration and bad handling, choose them with caution. Many good racers I have seen use a Koopa/Toad combo. These guys will keep you flying through the turns and you will be able to maintain a good top speed. Bowser/DK are the hardest to use because of their slow starts, but if you can master turning without hitting anything, you can really fly around tracks.

-Turning: Although you don't get the "turning 'E'" bonus thing like you do in the Nintendo 64 version of the game, I prefer to jump into most of my turns. It more quickly turns the car and is especially useful in making tighter corners. I never use the brake button when racing, so knowing how to manage speed going into a turn is essential.

-Weapons/Speed bumps: you should be able to hit a moving target with a green shell at least 2/3 of the time. That should be a goal of yours. You can also throw the banana peels ahead of you while pressing "up" while you release. Mushrooms should always be used before speed ramps or to take a shortcut. Practice taking the "feather" shortcut on Ghost Valley by mushrooming into the speed bump that is before it. This is a classic move that will get "ooh's" and "ah's" from the audience watching.

-Confidence: This is the final ingredient in the recipe for Super Mario Kart dominance. Talk a little smack. Get inside your opponent's head. Throw a "yo momma" joke at'em. Remember that "Yo Momma!" show on MTV? Yeah, me neither.

I don't know if playing this game will make you friends or help you negotiate better, but it will certainly make retirement more fun, assuming you made enough money to retire by 45.